Life is like a box of chocolates…….

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………who cares, just give me the ones with hazelnut and keep the rest. For a change, I really just want what I like and not have to wait for it.

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I find myself starting over again.  My partner of 3 years and I have decided to part ways. Irreconcilable differences, I suppose.  Seems we both had left over baggage from our previous relationships but didn’t realize it at the time.  He and I hooked up not long after my 20 year marriage to my then husband ended, and my now “ex” partner was still recovering from a difficult relationship at the time as well.  Not to mention, I have 2 hormonal teenagers to deal with and he’s never had kids. I suppose it was just a matter of time for the bomb to explode.

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All that to say, I have found a new place to live and I am unsure about my future.  I fear turning into one of those “crazy” spinster cat ladies because I have lost all faith in men.  Now, I know this is self-pity talking and that will probably not happen, but it’s there in my thoughts and it sort of scares me because I’m not 25 years old anymore, and who wants to start over later in life.

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I met my ex-partner of 3 years on a dating site and I dread going back on.  These dating sites make me feel like I’m on a constant job interview.  It’s always the same questions over and over again.   repetitive coffee or drink dates, awkwardness because his picture doesn’t match his face in person, and weeding through the creeps.   Finally, you hook up with someone for a few weeks but you learn you’re not compatible so you go back on the site and restart the search for Mr. Right.  It’s a never-ending cycle.  I refuse to date anyone that tries to buy me a drink at the bar.  Ann Landers from “Ask Ann” once said  that in a study she read, bar pick ups never last.

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I’m cute, quirky and have a big heart which I was recently told by my new ex is my biggest asset but almost my biggest flaw.  I’m really not sure what to make of that.   I’ve never had  problems meeting men but dating is not as fun when you’re older as compared to when you’re younger.  Nowadays, dating is nothing but damaged goods type of people, coming of age with new-found freedom and trying to blend everyone’s schedules because of shared custodies and soccer games.  Makes you wonder how people even manage to hook up at all.

I’ve begun the multiple levels of “grieving”.  Today,  I’m in the “did I do the right thing” phase.  I was doubting the decision of us parting ways so much so that I had to call my best friend, a life line for reinforcement of the right choice.  I was feeling weak but quickly got back the courage to move forward.  As a reward I permitted myself  a salty pretzel which I would not eat under normal circumstances,  which I also dipped into hot mustard.  Later, I allowed myself  a giant hand full of Halloween Reeses cereal right from the box in the pantry, 2 small glasses of wine and popcorn with Nutella.  This breaking up thing is not for me, at all!!!!!Untitled Design-20

I despise this phase.  It’s a phase of self discovery and continuous self questioning.  It’s like I’m talking to myself in my head every waking moment.  I’m deciding on my dreams and how to realize them.  I imagine Sunday morning breakfasts with my kids on my weeks and hope they happen.  I dream about all the worldly places I want to see but then remember that I’m on a budget and it sort of brings me down.  I dream of my inner peace and solitude but long for some one to share life with.

I cannot decide if it’s an age thing or it’s just me.  I really don’t know.  All I know is that  I have until Nov. 1 before I can move out and press the reset button on life.  I still share the same home, not bed with my “ex” partner until then.   I don’t like the term “ex” either.  This word labels your relationship indefinitely and if it’s a fresh breakup the word “ex” sounds like it’s the final nail in the coffin.   “BAM”, that’s it. Done and over with.  You are now EX.    Why does the term have to sound so bad.  Can’t it be a word, something like “passé”?  My passé and I….  It sounds softer.  Ex is so harsh.

Right  now, we are just passing time until I move out.  Strangers in our own home, walking by each other not sure what to say.   Feeling bad for each other and wanting to reach out but don’t.  It’s a very sad state to be in and not healthy.  I hope that the next several weeks pass quickly and that we both accept that as much as we wanted to be together, we just were not meant to be.

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